Freedom's Price
by Jenncat
Summary: Post Battle City, Malik ponders what it means to be free.


Freedom's Price

by Jenncat

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is owned by Takahashi Kazuki; Shueisha; and possibly Konami, NAS, 4Kids entertainment, and Viz. No infringement is intended on any preexisting copyrights and trademarks. No profit is being made from this fanfiction.

Author's Note: This takes place post Battle City. Even though Viz, which is usually good with names, is translating Mariku as Marik, I'm sticking with Malik. The episode with Kaiba that's mentioned is the Death-T arc of the manga.

I'm finally free.

I'm free to do whatever I want. The Pharaoh has returned, and is on his way to regaining himself. I'm no longer cooped up underground, stuck in the darkness until I join the corpses I guard. I no longer have to rebel against that fate either.

Most importantly, I'm free of HIM. That's what I've been told.

So? Now what?

They all tell me I'm free, but that's a lie. I have to live with everything I've done, after all. Everything HE'S done. After all, he was me, or a part of me. All of the destruction, the attempted murder, all of the damage he caused - it's all my fault. Then again, was it worse than anything I did on my own? I tried to kill Yugi before he came out, and I would have killed Jounouchi as well. I twisted people's minds, all for my own purposes. I turned them into my puppets, dancing to my unheard melody. I raped their minds, laughing as I did so.

And they say I was the sane one.

He's no more insane than I am. He was just more honest about it. He never hid. I forced him down, using Rishid as a shield just as I did in the Battle City finals. He was always there, lurking, waiting for his chance to break free of the chains we had put around him. He was always there, whispering to me, telling me to follow my urges, urging me just to let go...

Look what happened when I did.

I can't do that again. I hurt so many people, and I can't take that back. They offer me a chance at redemption. I don't know why they think I deserve it. I can't make anything better. I can't take back the past. Not even my Millennium Rod has that power. Maybe my sister's Torc did, but she gave that up to the Pharaoh. Somehow, I don't think either of them would erase what happened if they could. Even if they did, it wouldn't help me. Eventually, I would have let go, and let him go, and maybe then I would have hurt even more people.

What can I do? I can accept my responsibilities, and help the Pharaoh guard against the coming darkness. My defeat hasn't stopped that, after all. The Shadow Games are still being played. How can he trust me to help, though? What can anyone think I can do? How can they think that I would just stab them in the back again?

They called him Yami no Malik - Dark Malik. Does that make me Hikari no Malik - Light Malik? Funny, I don't feel very pure and light. I feel... grey. Stained. Tainted. Dark. No amount of words will cleanse that taint. Actions might, but how can I act when I question everything I do? I take a step forward on the path of regaining who I could be, and I stop to make sure I'm not making the same mistakes again. I'm paralyzed by my fear. Me, who once was fear itself. Me, who controlled the mightiest of the Gods. I doubt the Ra card would answer my call now if I still had it. Gods can only be controlled by the strong. I... I am not that, anymore.

Gods, what do I do? Gods, Pharaoh, offer your humble servant your guidance.

Why is it when we're free we desire restraints the most? At least then we know what to do, what's expected of us. I'm lost without a role to play. The Gravekeeper, the prodigal son, the villain - each defined me. Each showed me what to do, how to react. Take your freedom back, I don't want it! I want safety. I want security. I don't want this nebulousness that life supposedly is. I don't want free will. Funny, I spent so much time taking it away from others, and never realized that I barely had any of my own. Even when I thought I did, I was just acting the way I did because it was expected of me. Shadi knew that by lying to me about how Father was banished to eternal torment in the Shadow Realm that I would fully rebel and turn against my heritage. He wanted me to do that, so that I could test the Pharaoh reborn. I just followed the path he set for me blindly, and never saw how skillfully I had been manipulated. At least when Father forced me to do things he was obvious about it. He never gave me any illusions of being free. Shadi did, and now I don't know what to do with true freedom.

Is this true freedom, in fact? How do I know? I just know what they told me, but that's all I've ever known. How do I know they didn't lie to me? How do I know that I can do whatever I truly want? How do I know HE's no longer there, for that matter? How do I know he's not corrupting my mind further, dragging me down his path blindly just as everyone else did to me, until there's no longer Malik and Yami no Malik, but just Yami no Malik?

Maybe that's what freedom is - this not knowing anything. I can't take that, though. I NEED to know. I need to know what's truth and what's lies. I need to know what's real and what's not. I need to know how to tell the difference. Without that, how can I find the true me, and be truly cleansed? How can I rebuild myself? I heard that when Kaiba tried to kill the Pharaoh, the Pharaoh shattered his heart. Kaiba was trapped in a mental construct, literally putting the pieces of the puzzle called his heart back together, without the tainted parts that led him to try to kill innocents. I wish the Pharaoh done exactly the same to me. Then I would I'm doing this right. Instead, I stumble about, not sure if the pieces I have belong to the right puzzle, nor what picture will result. I can only hope that I have the right ones, and that the result will be a coherent whole. That's not good enough for me. I have to do this right. I can't let what happened ever happen again.

I'm free.

I'm trapped.


End file.
